by Hawkins, Indiana ’23

Photo Illustration for “SQUEEZE her BALLS: A security WARNING TO every THOSE WHO have TESTICLES”

In the wake of the Coronavirus it is simple to skip the plethora that illnesses the exist. The health center has certainly seen a decline in STI’s due to the fact that the no visitant policy has actually been imposed (though some roommate pairs have received confident test results…). There room still other ways to die besides COVID. One require only hark earlier to the musical advertisement from Australian train companies, “Dumb ways to Die” the went viral on YouTube nearly a decade ago.

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Though i hope that every one of you reader will never ever dress up together a moose during hunting season, or disturb swarms of wasps for no an excellent reason, you all will get sick sometime. You are in the element of your youth for now and will likely have the ability to survive a move from your very first night of binge drinking (but don’t execute it in the very first place, please), and you deserve to probably autumn down a flight of stair while record a famous Tik Tok and also walk away with only a couple of bruises. However we all grow old. Her bones will at some point be brittle, and your cells will mistakenly mutate at the very least once in her lifetime. And if her body doesn’t prevent the mutated cabinet from reproducing prefer a couple of newlywed members the the Church that Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints (you lay world know them together Mormons), then you’ll build a tumor.

Tumors come in every shapes and also sizes, yet I’ve recently uncovered a really interesting one on mine body. Ns paid a woman $300 to obstacle some gel on mine scrotum and take part photos. Some doctors call this an UltraSound, however I contact it uncomfortable. Luckily i forked increase the money because the results proved my ideal testicle was large and no just because I have actually a vast penis (my prick is in reality average) however I actually have actually a tumor. Both my testicles are screwed increase a little actually. My best one has a tumor on the that demands to be surgically removed, and the other one has actually a fluid sack attached to it (apparently not urine or semen) that needs to be drained.

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We’ve heard about breast cancer and also their pink bands. We’ve heard that Leukemia, yet boys, neigh ns dare call you men: SQUEEZE your BALLS. Squeeze castle to understand what they typically feel like. Squeeze them to check for lumps, or any kind of unusually sore areas. Squeeze lock to be thankful for what girlfriend have since one job it can grow a malignant tumor and also you’ll have to kiss that goodbye. And also if you feel uncomfortable squeezing your own teseticles, ns recommend make your means onto the Davidson university Virgin of the main Instagram page. I’m certain women would want to have actually coitus with a virgin, and any respectable sexual companion would very first inspect the genitals of their co-copulator like those the a gyeongju horse. And also if you feel uncomfortable through the idea of hooking up just for who to check your testicles for you before coitus, then i guess you deserve to go come your neighborhood doctors office together well. Ns guess they walk to med college to gain paid come squeeze your balls. However they’ll additionally ask you to sneeze too.

I create this together I blow one critical kiss goodbye come my small guy. Following time you check out my words i’ll officially be